Experts' Corner

December 11, 2009

The Spider-Man(ifesto): Life Lessons From a Superhero

I have learned so much from my experience as Spiderman, that I feel that it is now my duty to impart some of these lessons to you.

1. Don’t have friends… or relatives for that matter.

If events in the life of Peter Parker hold true for your average Joe, which they almost certainly do, having friends and relatives will only lead to misery. Your friends will ditch you, die, or go insane. Once they lose their mind they’ll start wearing a lot of purple and green and take any chance they get to throw exploding pumpkins at you while you parade around in those skin tight pajamas I know you own. Relatives, on the other hand, will not die, ditch you, or go insane. Instead they will repeatedly suffer heart attacks, 15 or so over the course of 3 years, in order to keep your life interesting.

2. Never make the mistake of working for a guy sporting the Hitler-Stache

Probably the only one to never achieve hipster status, this mustache is way out of stye. Armed with this knowledge, if you ever walk into a job interview and the man sitting behind the desk is sporting one of these unfortunate hairy patches tell him you are not interested, turn and walk out.

3. Be wary of anyone with an oddly shaped head

People with oddly shaped heads are likely evil megalomaniacs and should be avoided at all costs. Do not make the mistake of thinking that they are misunderstood. If you hesitate they will do any of, but not limited to, the following: whack you over the head with a robotic tentacle, head butt you with their iron capped noggin, give a likely fatal bear hug, or simply blind you with how ugly and deformed they are.

4. Never propose to a girl by hiding the ring in her box of Cracker Jacks

Seriously. Don’t do this. It’s stupid. Like really really stupid. It won’t end well. If you know anyone considering such a move, I strongly advise you to brain them with the nearest available brick.

There you have it, life lessons from Spider-Man to you. Now, armed with these tidbits of knowledge I expect you all to go out and live your life better, safer, and less full of rejection than ever before.

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